Wanted: The Abridged Script

Hey y'all.

I am in love with the website The Editing Room and it's editor Rod Hilton. The script below is for you.

By: Rod Hilton on Aug 5th, 2008 Movie Rating: 2.5 stars out of 5 stars

FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE

JAMES MCAVOY adds numbers using EXCEL and whines incessantly in voiceover.

JAMES MCAVOY (V.O.)
Hi. My name is James McAvoy. I’m a boring loser who has a full-time job, which apparently is beneath me even though everyone else has to do it without being a whiny little bitch.

(pause)

Oh look, here comes my obnoxious, cuckolding best friend. He epitomizes the exact type of macho idiot that enjoys movies like this one, so the fact that he’s portrayed as an asshole is something of an embarrassing irony.

CHRIS PRATT
Hey man! I just drank Red Bull out of your girlfriend’s vagina, it was awesome! So what’s going on with you?

JAMES MCAVOY
Nothing much. I was just searching for my own name in Google and getting no results.

CHRIS PRATT
No results at all? Like not even for any of the other thousands of people with the same name as you? “Johnny McSkidmarks” gives me three hits, and I just made that up.

JAMES MCAVOY
Yeah, I’m like a black hole of failure. I sure hope that it turns out I’m actually the heir to an ancient society that needs me so that I can leave this well-paying, white-collar, air-conditioned office job that most people would kill to have.

For the rest of the movie, FIGHT CLUB happens, but with BULLETS.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE

JAMES purchases some anti-anxiety medication when suddenly he is approached by ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS.

ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS
James, it just so happens that your father was a member of a secret organization, which we will now make you a part of, just as soon as we have a poorly directed gunfight with Thomas Kretschmann, the guy who killed your dad.

JAMES MCAVOY
I want nothing to do with any of this.

(pause)

I’m ready now, when do I start killing people?

They shoot GUNS and discharge STYLE. Various amounts of BRAIN are splattered all over the camera lens.

JAMES MCAVOY
Holy shit, this movie is gratuitously violent. Did someone just take the screenplay to a porno and replace the words “cock” with “gun” and “semen” with “blood”?

ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS
Don’t be an idiot. There’s no way this movie had as much of a screenplay as your average porn.

They narrowly escape THOMAS KRETSCHMANN. ANGELIA JOLIE’S LIPS try to take JAMES to the SECRET SOCIETY HIDEOUT, but all of the studio’s sets are being used by better movies so they settle on an old TEXTILE MILL SET instead.

INT. TEXTILE MILL

JAMES meets MORGAN FREEMAN.

MORGAN FREEMAN
Let’s make this quick, I’ve got 20 minutes before I have to get back to the Dark Knight set.

JAMES MCAVOY
So, you’re a secret society of supervillians based on famous DC Comics rogues and you need me to help you in your nefarious plot to keep the world in a state of chaos and war?

MORGAN FREEMAN
What? No, you’re thinking of the comic book. We just kept the title and two character names from that best-selling piece of shit. We’re assassins that take lives in order to save thousands more.

JAMES MCAVOY
How do you decide who kill?

MORGAN FREEMAN
We have a Loom of Fate. It’s an actual Loom. And it encodes the names of our targets in binary when it stitches fabric. Seriously. This is actually in the movie.

JAMES MCAVOY
What the hell do you do when two people have the same name? And is every target in NY, or is that just luck?

MORGAN FREEMAN
Look, I gotta run. The deal is, you have the ability to accelerate your heart rate so that you can rape the laws of physics, curve bullets, jump 400 feet out of windows, flip cars, and even shoot the wings off of flies.

JAMES MCAVOY
Shoot the wings off of flies? Are action movies just running out of ways to outdo each other? Where else is there to go after shooting the wings off of flies? What’s the next preposterous action movie going to have, people shooting bullets into each other’s bullets?

MORGAN FREEMAN
Hey, good idea! You can do that with the heart rate thing too.

JAMES MCAVOY
Christ, at least Neo’s excuse was that he was inside the Matrix.

ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS
We’re now going to train you to be an assassin by treating you like shit and beating the living snot out of you for no clear reason.

She DOES. Once the SECRET SOCIETY finishes beating JAMES within an inch of his life, he realizes they are his TRUE FRIENDS. They go ASSASSINATE random PEOPLE using SPECIAL EFFECTS.

JAMES MCAVOY
Cool! My increased heart rate has let me travel back in time to 1999 when stylized slow motion gunfights could pass for entertainment!

ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS
The Loom of Fate says it’s time for you to kill Thomas Kretschmann.

JAMES MCAVOY
Alright! Did I get any advice on ideal murder weapons from the Scarf of Doom?

ANGELINA and JAMES travel to find THOMAS on a TRAIN. They BATTLE and eventually JAMES shoots THOMAS.

THOMAS KRETSCHMANN
Everything they told you was a lie. I’m your father.

JAMES MCAVOY
Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that like a billion scenes ago?

THOMAS KRETSCHMANN
Because I only got paid for two speaking lines. Urk!

(dies)

JAMES travels back to the TEXTILE MILL to confront MORGAN FREEMAN.

JAMES MCAVOY
Thomas Darth Vadered me. Is he really my father?

MORGAN FREEMAN
Sure, I can make you a suit that lets you turn your head. Wait, what movie is this? Shit, I’m still in this thing? Somebody shoot this motherfucker!

JAMES MCAVOY
How sad is it that the most entertaining part of this movie is hearing wise old grandpa Morgan Freeman say the word ‘fuck’?

ANGELINA JOLIE’S LIPS
Hey, don’t forget about me showing my naked ass gratuitously.

They have a SHOOTOUT but MORGAN doesn’t die, so they have another SHOOTOUT where he DOES.

JAMES MCAVOY (V.O.)
…and that’s the story of how I brutally slaughtered a shitload of people, which prevented me from being a pussy like you. What the fuck have you done lately?

AUDIENCE
Um, you mean besides wasting 8 bucks watching Fight Club and The Matrix have a miscarriage together? Nothing, I guess.

END

Wonder Years.

Two days later and I have already finished 'The Family Way' and dearly paying for it. Why, you might ask. I'll tell you. I was up till 2.00am last night reading it and I had to be up by 4.00am because I had to be in the office by 5.00am. Just know I am dying of sleep, I have no idea how I am going to make it through the rest of the day.

In other news, I found some old baby pictures of myself and I really wanted to put them up but we have no scanner or if we do, I have never seen it so I did the next best thing and took pictures of the pictures. Wasn't I the cutest?

You know what killed me about these photos? The 'fros. They were awesome weren't they?

I love the way my mother looks all regal with her head held up high and I just look confused. I remember I loved that outfit and only finally gave it away when I was 16 or so.

What can I say? The 80's were not the best time for high fashion. That's my dad, by the way, in the Malaachi (the shoes) he loved so and made us where for about 3 years of our lives. (My siblings and I.)

Another confused looking picture of me. I really wonder what it was I was staring at? Was I attracted to the camera from so young an age?

This is my favourite. I'm positive my Mom was off to the side making sure my head was turned to the camera by dangling some shiny something. I can almost remember it.

I thought these would be apt seeing as its my birthday on Thursday. Send me hugs and presents on Facebook.

Mbale!!

So I am posting this from Mbale, yeah! I came here for the weekend to see my two friends who work here and I came with another friend of mine. It has been awesome so far. I came on Friday and we are planning to leave on Sunday. The trip here was so eventful. We took a taxi from the park and almost everything that could go wrong, did. First of all, the taxi won't start, that should have warned us that all was not going to go well. When it eventually starts, everything is fine up till we hit a crazy jam because of a, I can only call it, pitch size hole on one side of the road. To avoid the jam, our driver decides to drive on the side of the road but there is a bit of an incline and this prompts most of the passengers to disembark the taxi, either to lighten the load or due to sheer fear. We stay in. He goes by fine but still doesn't clear the jam so he decides to go through some poor woman's compound. The land was water logged so the tyres got stuck and while trying to get out of the mud his engine switches off, remember it can't start. Luckily enough there were strong guys in the taxi who pushed it and one guy who must have been a jump-start genius coz as soon as he got behind the wheel the car started. After that, we still haven't cleared the jam so one of the locals tells us about an alternative route. This route was like a scene out of the movie Wrong Turn. Zam and I were terrified but we got through it okay and finally got out on a clear part of the road. We then get to a point on the road that has the most unbelievable dust. The dust was so much that you couldn't even see where you were going but that didn't stop our driver from driving like a bat out of hell. The journey seemed to take forever but we got here eventually and being the happening people we are hit the trade fair (it was happening) and the club right after dinner, ofcourse. This morning we went to Sipi falls which are beautiful (I will post some pictures soon). Now we are hanging out, going to the club again and then going back home tomorrow.
WE WON!!!! I missed riding the train to the stadium but I got to watch the match over here and wasn't it exciting? I was so glad we won and everyone is such a celebratory mood. Congratulations.
Kati, I gotta go. Toodles. Will keep y'all posted on the trip when I come back.

All Cultured Up!

Yesterday Carlo and I went to the National Theatre to catch the tail end of the Amakula Film Festival and hopefully in the process get a bit of culture. We watched a silent movie called, I think, Search for the Blue Bird or something but the awesome thing was the score of the movie was being played live in the theatre by a musician called Tshila and a band. It was the coolest thing but Carlo and I agreed that cinema had come a long way since then. This movie was made in 1918, that is a long time ago. The theme for this year's festival is Travel & Transit. They have some pretty good movies which you might have heard of like Borat, Broken Flowers, Dave Chappelle's Bloc Party (which I kicked myself for missing) and Grapes of Wrath. They are also showing many african movies which revolve around the same thing. We left in the middle of a South African Movie, Bunny Chow (which is not some perverted sex act but in fact a loaf of unsliced bread cut in half and stuffed, in this case, with mutton) which started out well enough but we had to leave because of the time.

Update: I am going to walk for hunger on Sunday but I am told the president is going to be there, is he? Because that kind of security will put me off the whole walk thing. You might be asking yourself why I want to walk? I have been hanging out with someone who does alot of volunteering and he is younger than me, and I think back on my life and ask myself what I have done for people other than myself and I have to say it isn't much. This walk is supposed my start, then I can start volunteering. I really believe it would improve the quality of my life to help someone out, you know.

See you all Sunday at 6 at the National Theatre for the closing ceremony of the festival. It's gonna be legendary!!!

I apologise for being AWOL

I am really sorry about that, I just have not had either the time to blog or the access to an internet cafe. I know that excuse is getting old but you won't be hearing it again since I am going to be online more often.
So much has happened since I was last here that I don't even know where to begin.
I will start with the last BHH. I dragged a couple of my friends along and another one showed up in the middle of it. The Danes were still around, so that was pretty cool. We all planned to meet up on Saturday to go white-water rafting and bungee jumping. My friend, Kaza and I signed up for only the bungee jump while the Danes, Carlo and Peter opted to raft. Carlo, Peter and his cousin Isaac were hard because they did both. They came back from the rafting bruised, wounded and generally looking like death warmed up but they still jumped. It was the most exhilarating thing I have ever done. It was scary as shit but also I have never been more excited or proud of myself for doing something. I recommend it for anyone, go, jump and be reborn.
What else? I have been reading some pretty good books lately but I have noone to share them with. I make it a point to let atleast one other person read a book I think is good so I don't mean that kind of share, but talk about. I have an idea to start a book club but I need to know if anyone would actually show. So let me know what you all think.
I guess that's pretty much it. L8rz.